Tastykakes and HoneyBuns
by deletedid
Summary: Morelli approaches Ranger with a plan to make Stephanie happy. Will it backfire or work out for the best?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters or any aspect of the Stephanie Plum Series. They are the property of Janet Evanovich.

Just FYI: I have been reading fanfics for a while now. I love to see the creativity of other fans. I like Janet Evanovich and Southern Vampire Mysteries fics but have never tried my hand at it. This is just an idea I had so feel free to tell me if you think I should continue but please be kind :) Enjoy

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Ranger's POV

I pulled up in front of Morelli's house still wondering what the fuck I was doing here in the first place. We really had only one thing in common so for him to ask me here was indicative that this little rendezvous had to do with Steph. I approached the door right at the agreed upon time and before I could even knock the door swung open for me.

"Happy to be here?" he asked.

I hadn't realized until that moment that I wore what amounted to a grin on my face. It seemed even this meeting couldn't ruin my good mood after my trip to the bonds office this morning.

_I had walked in at ten thirty to find Steph already covered head to toe in sticky goo with half of a boston cream hanging out of her mouth which was, if I wasn't mistaken, considerably more luscious than usual._

"_Babe."_

"_It wasn't my fault," she protested._

"_It's never your fault. But just out of morbid curiosity why are you covered in..." I brushed my thumb against her super-full bottom lip and stuck it in my mouth perhaps a little further than was really necessary. "...honey."_

_It took her a full minute to respond as she was currently watching me suck the last of the honey off my thumb with her swollen mouth hanging open. _

_Connie and Lula seemed to be watching me too but this show was all for Steph. _

_By the time she snapped out of her stupor her voice had taken on an indignant tone. "I was trying to apprehend Antonio Capellini. It seemed like it was going to be easy at the time. He was originally arrested for assault when one of his prized honey bees stung his ex-wife. She claimed he sicced the bee on her as revenge for her leaving him. I thought to myself 'this poor guy is just trying to make a living and his wife leaves him and then files bogus charges.' I swung by to politely ask him to reschedule. I didn't bring backup because I really didn't think I would need any. But do you know what he did when I tried to explain all this to him?!" She was practically screeching at this point and I was pretty sure I knew where this was going. _

"_Babe. He sicced a bee on you?" I knew I let a small smirk slip out._

"_Not bee. Bees. A whole swarm of them. I ran around the side of the house to get away from them and ran into his honey-filtration setup. Luckily I only got stung once on my mouth before I managed to escape into my car and once more..." She threw up her middle finger then to show me the swollen tip. "I rolled down my window just far enough to throw Antonio the finger on my way the hell out of there."_

_I leaned over to lick a drop of honey from her earlobe. "You taste fucking delicious." I whispered against her ear_

"_Uggggghhhh" she moaned in reply_

_I took her around the side of the bonds office to what I had come to think of as "our alley" and did what I could to alleviate her sweet affliction. I pushed her up against the wall and wrapped her sticky legs around my waist. My erection was straining against my pants as I licked the sweet substance from her neck and lips and then each of her fingers in turn. She ground down against me and I bucked my hips in return. I rubbed against her clit through our clothes and just the suggestion of what this could be was enough to make me think I would lose it right there in the alley. _

_This realization made me regain my control and I slowly lowered her down my body. I almost lost it again when her breasts brushed across my torso on the way down. She felt so good against me but we couldn't just fuck here in the alley. _

_Could we? No. She deserved better than that. _

_I wanted her in my bed where I could lick her whole body clean. But I knew that another night with Steph would only leave me wanting more. And we couldn't have more. _

_I left her glassy eyed and slumped against the wall and strode back into Vinnie's to retrieve my files. Lula and Connie took one look at the sticky mess I had made of myself and gave me knowing grins. I went back out to where I left Steph and found her trying to straighten herself up. She was readjusting her shirt and rebuttoning her pants that had somehow come undone when she caught me staring. Even covered in honey she was so still beautiful. _

_I twisted my hands up in her honeyed hair crashing my lips down onto hers for one last kiss. _

_The shower I took before heading to Morelli's was ice cold and still not enough to cure my hard on. It seemed like I had a constant hard on ever since I met Stephanie. Certainly since I found her handcuffed naked to her shower rod. I knew I couldn't be sporting the tented-pants look when I went to see Morelli so I took my dick in my hand and shut my eyes remembering the feel of her body rolling against me in the alley. If I had just done what I wanted to do she would be in my bed right now. I would have her sticky sweet body writhing under mine. The only thing sweeter than honey-covered babe would be the taste of her on my tongue as I bring her to orgasm with my mouth. I would roll us so she was on top. I would give her free reign over my body as she rides me until I'm spent. I opened my eyes and looked around my shower where I stood alone. Again. Fuck. And now I had to go see her boyfriend. The man who was living my fantasy. How fucking sad was that?_

Which brings me back to the matter at hand. Joe stood in front of me with a shit eating grin asking if I was happy to be here.

I didn't offer a reply since he already knew the answer. I just walked right in and let myself into his kitchen. I sat down at his kitchen table, steepled my fingers and watched him take the seat across me. Without another word he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a ring box. He flipped it open to show me a diamond solitaire ring. An engagement ring.

It was beautiful and understated just like her. I fucking hated it.

"I'm sorry Morelli," I let out an exaggerated sigh. "I'm just not ready for this kind of commitment."

A/N: Batman's got jokes


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I still don't own the characters but I sure wouldn't mind owning a few choice pieces of Ranger...and Lester...I'm a bit of a slut ; )

Ranger's POV

He flipped the lid on the box but didn't return it to his pocket. Instead he set it on the table between him and me. He looked at me for just a second as if unsure how to continue.

"You love Stephanie." It wasn't a question. Morelli told me as if he thought I didn't know yet and needed to be informed.

I didn't see a need to respond so I just waited for him to continue.

"I know you love her because I see the way you look at her and I know she loves you back because I saw the panic in her eyes when you got shot and I see her looking at you the way you look at her. The way I look at her. The way she used to look at me."

He paused again.

"She doesn't know how to be in love with two men at the same time. She thinks she does. She thinks she's still in love with me but she..." His eyes shone with unshed tears. Pussy. "..She loves you now."

I tried to keep my face blank. I knew she loved me but I couldn't help feeling smug at Morelli's little confession. What could he possibly gain in telling me all this?

"IKnowAboutTheAlleyBehindTheBondsOffice. " He blurted it out all at once as if the whole sentence were one word. One syllable. I couldn't have been more shocked if he told me he shit solid gold. He continued at a more normal speed. "I know about the groping and the kisses and the almost-sex and I know that she still holds hope that someday you'll want her."

Since we were being honest, "I DO want her." I growled.

He nodded solemnly. "That may be but you'll never be able to give her a life. I know it and so do you. The only one who won't believe it is Steph. She probably thinks the next mission will be the last and at some point you'll choose her over the business and if that's true than maybe this is all a mistake. If the next one really is the last I won't even risk trying to make her mine forever because I know who she'll choose if push comes to shove. But if you will just step aside like you SHOULD and give her an opportunity to be happy she can have a normal life. She can't be single and childless and doing this dangerous bounty hunter shit forever. She comes within inches of death every fucking day. Can't you see she would move on if it weren't for you? She's holding out for impossibilities and she won't ever let herself be happy with me if she thinks there's a chance she could ever have you. If you love her you will make it clear to her that you and she will never happen. If you really love her you'll give her to me."

"She isn't mine to give away." I muttered but it was like I didn't even believe my own words. How long had I waited for someone to tell me what I had already known deep down? She loved ME. She wanted ME. Who the fuck would have thought it would be Morelli saying the words?

He was being smart for once by just shutting the fuck up to give me some time to think.

I imagined myself in Morelli's position. I imagined cake-walk detective work and a ring in my pocket. I imagined turning the Batcave into a love nest. I would make love to Stephanie at all hours on every surface of _our_ home. I would quit working and let the business run itself. We would travel and when the time was right she would carry my children and we would grow old together just laughing and making love. It would be so good. Just thinking about it felt so right.

But I couldn't just quit. I was contracted and I had so much time left. What once felt like the job of my dreams felt like chains now. Morelli talked about Stephanie endangering herself everyday. That wouldn't even be the beginning. There are a lot of people who wouldn't mind seeing me dead. Openly loving Stephanie would be like a death sentence for her. I refused to be that selfish. Stephanie wasn't the only one, it seemed, still chasing after impossibilities. Somewhere in deep inside I still believed in someday. I loved her so much. I was so _in love _with her that I had actually fooled myself into thinking I would be able to make her mine someday.

I knew Morelli was right. As much as I fucking hated him. As much as it sickened me to think of him with her I knew what I had to do. I was going "into the wind" in three weeks. That was how long I had to convince her that someday would never come.

I meant what I said earlier. You can't give away what's not yours and since I just realized that she could never be mine I said the only thing I could.

"If you hurt her I'll put a bullet in through in your head."

I walked out of Morelli's house and got into my Porsche where I came as close to crying as I'd come in over twenty years.

A/N: Sorry about all the angsty shit. Totally not my style but after working all day and then a stinky American Lit. essay angsty shit is all I got left. I think I might go with a Steph POV next so its sure to be more light hearted next chapter

Btw...not a Morelli fan. Hope that makes you all feel better about what's to come. Idk how much later though since I haven't really planned everything out. Hope you guys stick with me though

Read and review!!!

Thanks for all the support I've seen so far too. I can't believe how much fun writing this stuff is. Almost as good as reading what you all have written :)


	3. Chapter 3

FYI: Sorry for the POV switch guys. I really didn't want to go deeper into the Ranger angst and there's no better way to liven things up than looking at stuff from Steph's perspective. Hope you like the change!

Stephanie's POV

The last couple of weeks had been really strange. I know that Joe and I are in the on again of our off-again-on-again but jeez has he been laying it on thick. He'd taken me out to dinner eight times in this short time span and it felt as if he were prepping me for something. The first date was McDonalds. Then Cluck-in-a-Bucket, Luby's, Pinos, Chili's, Firday's, Red Lobster and last night he took me to Johnny Carino's. I just got this weird sneaking feeling that he thought I wouldn't notice the progression and that this was all leading up to some big fancy date.

I should be excited for a dress up date with Joe. Right?

Then why did this feel like a trap?

It all sort of came to a head when he had flowers delivered to RangeMan this morning. It was a big, obnoxious bouquet of roses and baby's breath. They were pretty…if you're into that sort of thing but in my tiny cubicle they only served to cramp my space and invite a bombardment of teasing from the Merry Men.

It all pretty much amounted to one big joke about Joe marking his territory.

I felt pissed on.

After a while it felt like even the flowers were mocking me.

I finally heaved the flowers from my desk and walked them outside to the service entrance. I set them just behind the door where hopefully everyone would just forget they existed. I went back inside and washed my hands of the whole morning. No one even remembered the damned things.

Out of sight out of mind, right?

Wrong.

I guess the guys decided that the disappearance of the flowers meant they could really pound into me now. They each took their turn but Lester Santos took more than his fair share. He found his way over every time a clever quip occurred to him. Not that I minded Lester's teasing too much. He had a great smile and watching him walk away almost made up for the reason he was coming over in the first place. His RangeMan-issue black cargoes showcased his perfect ass flexing and un-flexing as he walked away from his last zinger. It was practically asking to be squeezed.

Flexing and un-flexing and flexing and un-flexing…

"If I had known teasing you was such a turn on I would have been making fun of you a long time ago beautiful." I hadn't even realized that I had leaned over in my chair or that I had…OH MY GOD…I had his aforementioned perfect ass in my hand.I stammered something about having to retrieve the flowers but I still hadn't let go.

Why couldn't I just let go?

Oh yeah, maybe it had something to do with the fact that I had decided not to have sex with Joe until my spidey-sense decided there was nothing fishy going on and since the honey licking incident Ranger hadn't so much as looked in my direction.

So this is what it had come down to.

I was so sexually frustrated at this point that my deepest point of shame wasn't even my diddling last night.

It was this.

It was now.

It was me grabbing…no it seemed I was now caressing Lester Santos' exquisite ass while I had the longest fucking inner monologue of my life.

I finally and very reluctantly let go and tried to channel all this pent up energy into something more productive. I decided on anger since it was sort of my go-to.

Who did I have to blame for this?

Well Joe first of all for his fishy behavior and devious plotting. If he hadn't been acting so fucking weird it may not have come to such a desperate situation.

Ranger was in a close second for his _lack_ of teasing. The honey-covered grinding in the alley over two weeks ago was the closest I'd come to a buddy system orgasm in a very long time.

It was time to stop playing nice and start kicking ass.

I decided to start with Ranger and with that walked away from Lester's perfect ass to bang on Batman's office door.

It occurred to me that this ass kicking could take a while so I strode back out the service entrance to find that the accursed flowers had already wilted in the sun.

For real, how long had I been molesting Santos. Didn't matter now. The damage was done and I had other things on the agenda. I set the flowers down on my desk and turned toward the hallway that held Ranger's office. When I reached out to grab the door handle I saw the bane of my existence resting on the sleeve of my jacket. It must have been on the stupid flowers when I brought them back inside. It's tiny yellow and black striped body twitched menacingly. I fucking hated bees. I tried to gently swing my arm to encourage it to fly away.

It took off and seemed to be looking for en exit but when the hall dead-ended it headed back for me. I tried turning the door handle to escape inside Ranger's office but it was locked. I started banging on the door but when there wasn't an immediate response I turned tail and started running back the way I had come. The bee was faster and I stopped dead when I saw it hovering above my face.

"Nice bee." I cooed. "Easy does it." But it must have smelled this morning's Boston cremes on my breath because it went straight for my mouth. Again.

Even seeing it drop dead after it stung my lip wasn't enough to make my anger subside. My lip had just unswollen from the last sting.

I trudged back down the hallway to Ranger's door wondering how this had happened in the first place. I should have been able to just walk right in. He never locked his office. Even though it was locked to everyone somehow this felt directed at me. He was locking _me _out. He finally opened the door just as I was going to knock again.

He looked down at me and half smirked.

"Steph." he shook his head as he watched my lip swell to three times its normal size.

Not Babe.

Just Steph.

A single fat swollen tear leaked down my face to land on my fat swollen lip.

A Big Thank You: To everyone who has read and reviewed. You guys are awesome!!!


	4. Chapter 4

I hope you guys don't mind the POV change. I didn't want to make Ranger come off as heartless and it seemed the best way to do it was to get a look at what he's thinking

Ranger's POV

I watched the tear make its way down her face and settle on her once-again stung lip. I brushed it away with my thumb and it was so reminiscent of that day two weeks ago, when I brushed the honey off her mouth, that I was half tempted to slip my thumb into my mouth again.

I had hoped never to see this look on her face. It wrenched my heart to think that I was the cause of her tears so I convinced myself they were the product of the bee sting.

I had been keeping my distance these last couple weeks and I knew from watching her GPS every free second that she had been spending a lot of time with Morelli. They had gone out eight or nine times to various places. Some of the venues they went to were real dives but I could almost follow the line of progression. If things kept up the way they were going he would be down on one knee at Rossini's by the end of the month.

How fucking ordinary. Stephanie is no ordinary woman and proposing to her in some blase` Italian restaurant is almost as bad as proposing on a Jumbo-Tron at a basketball game. She deserved so much more, so much better.

I imagined what it would be like to have the luxury of a normal life. I was no fan of Morelli's but thinking about his botched attempt at romancing Stephanie I once again found myself jealous of his position.

I could do right by Stephanie because I understood her in a way that He never could. I would take her to my home, knowing that it would soon be _our_ home, where she would find hundreds of candles burning just for her. She would find a note that would read, "Each one of these flames represents something I love about you."

Strewn around the candle-lit room would be a thousand notes, not just from me, but from her mom, her dad, her grandma, Connie, Lula and all the guys at Rangeman. She makes it impossible not to love her and everyone who does would want to tell her why.

A thousand notes seems like a lot but as I would sit down to write them I would find myself unable to stop. I would build a chest for her to keep the notes in and look back on whenever she wished. I'm a pretty decent carpenter, one of the things Steph has yet to learn about me. There's still so much I want to learn about her and if I had things my way we would spend from someday to forever teaching and learning from each other.

As she makes her way room to room collecting notes, I would follow close behind watching her with wonder. She is always so responsive to and so affected by everything around her. She has such a zest for life, just one more thing to love about her.

When she finally makes her way to the bedroom she'd find her favorite book, a first edition copy of Jane Austen's _Emma_ set on the pillows. She would pick it up and on the inside cover she would find her name imprinted in gold script, Stephanie Michelle Plum Manoso. I would take her hand in mine and ask her to spend the rest of her life with me. Ask? Hell, I'd beg if that's what it took and if I was lucky enough she'd say yes.

I shook myself out of imagination land to find her hand sandwiched in mine and her looking at me like I had sprouted a second head. How long had I been daydreaming?

"Ranger. I don't know what kind of game you're playing but I'm pretty sick of your shit."

Imagination land-Stephanie was much more polite but I guessed I deserved it after how I've treated her these last couple weeks.

You couldn't actually say I treated her like anything at all though, since what I'd basically done was ignore her all together. I had stopped going by her desk and I hadn't met with her in the gym at all. I hadn't so much as touched her since the bond's office and now, with her so close and the warmth of her hand in mine I found myself wanting to close the distance between us, back her against the wall and show her just how much I missed her.

But that would undo all the progress I'd made. I knew what I had to do and I knew why but that certainly didn't mean I wanted to do it.

As much as I imagined the house and the candles and her "yes." I had to keep reminding myself about my talk with Morelli and just how right he was. The life he would give her wouldn't be as great a fit as a life with me would be, and it might be boring as fuck, but she would be safe. Or at least as safe as any life with Stephanie's luck could be.

I still hadn't spoken, but instead just looked down at her while I brushed my thumb over her hand. I could hear her breathing quicken at our closeness, which caused my own heart to speed and my dick to twitch. I quickly let go of her hand and took a step back, trying to reign in my quickly-slipping self restraint.

She looked a little shocked at my sudden departure and finally I spoke up. I said the exact opposite of what my heart was telling me to say, "I'm going into the wind at the end of the week and I don't know how long I'll be gone. It's a very dangerous mission and I may not come back at all. You're a good _friend_, Stephanie but I've gotten the feeling lately that you want more. I just wanted to clear this up in case some lines have been blurred. My life_ isn't_ going to change. Not for you or anyone else. I care about you a great deal, which is why only think it's fair to remind you not to chase after impossibilities. You need to start thinking more seriously about settling down and starting a family. And Morelli...he loves you."

I turned away from her then, not wanting to see the tears in her eyes or for her to see the same in my own. I was going soft but that wasn't the worst of it. I had just thrown Morelli's words to me back at her. I was quoting the douche-bag and sealing my own sentence. _"It had to be done"_, was the mantra I spoke to myself. I realized that this little speech of mine was probably the longest string of full sentences I had ever spoken to her. Instead of ever telling her the million things I wanted to I was forced to spout off lies and tell her only short, abbreviated versions of the truth.

"_It had to be done"_,_"It had to be done"_,_"It had to be done"_...

But I couldn't do it. I turned around to tell her that it was all a lie. I turned around to scoop her up, dry her tears and tell her I loved her, and to fuck them all, I'm taking my someday. But by the time I gathered myself and turned toward her I found myself alone in the empty hallway.

I saw the bee, lying peacefully by my feet. He had known what he wanted and gone for it no matter the cost. Lucky bastard.

A/N: Damned if I can't keep Ranger from being angsty. I don't know what my deal is. What do you guys think? Is it too OOC? I'd love for y'all to R&R and let me know :)


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: don't know if a Cupcake warning is really necessary since I don't make Joe out as abusive or anything. He just isn't my favorite.

Steph's POV:

My eyes had been tearing up when Ranger turned away from me in the hallway but dried quickly with my rage. I stormed out of RangeMan, quickly collecting the stupid flowers on my way out. I drove home and stomped up the steps without shedding a single tear. In fact, I was so pissed off I really didn't feel like crying at all anymore.

"What the hell was he talking about? I never so much as suggested I wanted more from Ranger and he'd made it perfectly clear from day one that we would never have a relationship. I'd be lying to say I didn't harbor a small hope that would change someday but that still didn't explain what made this so immediate. One day we were hot and heavy; the next there was nothing. Nothing! And since when do I want to be Mrs. Joe Morelli? Where had all that shit come from?" Rex twitched his nose at me. He might have been laughing at my swollen lip but I was guessing he just didn't know the answers. Great.

Despite Rex's lack of advice I threw him a raisin. He grabbed it and abandoned me to enjoy his raisin in private.

Just like the sadness I had felt immediately following Ranger's schpeal, I found that my anger too, was waning as I sunk into confusion. Ranger's never told me where he'd gone before. He's never needed to. He leaves, he comes back, everything just sort of stays the same. Until today. My spidey-sense was definitely tingling on this one but I just couldn't pin down what it was that seemed to be so wrong. I did a massive mental eye roll. Men. Who fucking knows?

The four days leading up to Ranger's departure had been uneventful compared to the weeks before. No one tried to blow me up and the Merry Men must have known something was up by this point because no one talked any crap to me. I continued to work at RangeMan but didn't see hide nor hair of Ranger. The only signs that Ranger had left were that his office door was now open and someone had brought donuts to work. When the cat's away and whatnot.

The same day Ranger left, Joe called to ask me out to dinner AGAIN. I know I like to eat, but really. We had been out so much lately that food had kind of lost its mystique. Despite the constant feeding I think I'd actually lost weight since eating had become like a job to me. I never wanted to set foot in another restaurant in my life but he sounded so excited over the phone. He mentioned Rossini's offhandedly and it may be my own paranoia but his nonchalance sounded forced. I knew the places we'd been going were getting better each time and I felt like his fake easiness was proof positive. I didn't know what he was trying to pull but whatever it was, he obviously thought I was completely clueless.

As I left work I played out how I was going to avoid Joe's advances yet again without him suspecting anything. I'd faked a headache, a stomach ache, swine flu and even my period (not a smart move, ladies, since I got my real period a day after my fake one ended and Joe made me go to the doctor and check that everything was ok.) But I knew he'd try and make his way into my bed tonight and I was running out of excuses not to.

He would definitely expect to be invited over after dinner. I still didn't think sex with Joe was a good idea, what with all the bullshit I seemed to be wading in, but as evidenced by my molestation of Lester, my control was shaky at best.

And what's worse, I'd have to have the damned flowers on display. I turned to look at the offending fauna and found them sulking. The sun, combined with my manhandling had really done a number on them. They looked like I'd had them for weeks, not just four days.

I took off the rubber band holding my hair back and wrapped it around the tops of the flowers so they stood straight only to bow right at the tip. Good. Instead of sulking they just looked disappointed. With that job done I proceeded to get ready for my impending doom...I mean date.

I stepped into the scalding spray and tried to push the last few weeks out of my mind. I felt like I'd been firebombed. As someone who knows what she's talking about it, isn't a comparison that's made lightly.

I soaked and scrubbed and felt marginally better when I got out.

I scrunched some mouse in my hair and rubbed it with a towel. I padded into my bedroom and though I was sort of dreading this evening I was pretty excited for the opportunity to dress up.

I was running out of date wear fast but I still had a couple dresses I hadn't worn before. I dressed quickly and stood in front of the full length mirror to assess the situation. The strapless dress made my boobs look fantastic with its sweetheart neckline. The blue of the bodice set off the blue of my eyes and the four inch patent platform heels made my legs look a million miles long. I had to admit I looked pretty good.

I went back into the bathroom to fluff my hair and swipe on some mascara. Since I needed the extra boost today I lined my eyes and followed up with some charcoal shadow. Mary Lou is the master of the smokey eye and damned if I wasn't a good student. I was swiping on my fifth coat of mascara when Joe knocked on my door.

I appreciated the courtesy of his knock but I found myself missing a certain someone breaking in at night. I slapped myself in the forehead before opening the door. Bad Stephanie! You are not supposed to be thinking about one man when you have a date with another!

Joe was waiting on the other side with a big smile. He gave me the twice over, leering. "Cupcake," (not my favorite nickname) "you look beautiful. Maybe we should just stay in tonight. Is that dress hard to get out of?"

EEK! "Yes. Very difficult, near impossible really. Besides I'm starving." I sounded startled even to myself.

Joe laughed but agreed that it was time to go.

We arrived at Rossini's, and after a not so furtive wink at Morelli, the Maitre' D escorted us to what had to be the best table in the restaurant. It was set up on a dias and looked out over a gorgeous view of the city. Morelli took my hands in his sweaty ones across the table and just stared at me. Something was definitely up. Between the sweaty palms and the leering I was a little creeped out. We ordered and ate in relative silence. It was like he wanted to talk but he just looked sort of nervous and anxious instead.

When we were done with our entrees, Morelli gave the waiter another akward wink. Without asking, our server came back to the table with a slice of tiramisu. Morelli pushed it toward me and stared at me as I took my first bite. Mmmmm. It was delicious and as I let out a little moan of satisfaction I forgave Morelli all his weirdness and decided it was all in my head. Dessert is a pretty powerful thing.

I plowed through the layered ladyfinger heaven until I hit something hard that wasn't the plate. I pulled out a ring. I guessed it must have been pretty but it was covered in tiramisu so who knows? I suddenly understood why Morelli had been acting like such a creeper.

He took the ring from me and dipped it in his water. He swished it around and wiped it on his napkin. Now that I could see it, it really was beautiful. It's the sort of engagement ring I would want _**if**_ I wanted one at all.

"Cupcake," he started to get down on one knee and I could feel my heart jump into my throat.

I should be happy that Morelli wants to marry me, right? We had been dating off and on for a long time and I was pretty sure I loved him but this just didn't feel right. I wanted to yell at him to stop and save himself the embarrassment but I couldn't speak with that stupid heart lodged where my voice should be.

When he was finally where he wanted to be I saw that every eye in the restaurant was on us. "I have wanted to do this for a long time. I know we've tried this before and I think I know why it didn't work. I did it all wrong the last time. I sprung it on you without any warning and I didn't even have a ring. The last time, there was something holding you...us back. But I don't think that's the case anymore. You can finally quit bounty hunting and we can start a family. I think this is the perfect time for us and I know you're the perfect woman for me. Stephaine Plum, will you marry me?"

Shit Fuck! I still couldn't speak. I could almost see that life with Morelli. Me playing the little wifey, him the hunky cop husband. 2.5 kids shitting into diapers I had to clean up. No Thanks! I wanted to be eloquent and polite since we were such a spectacle but it was an effort to speak at all. I urged sound to come and forced the words up past the bulge in my throat till they all came spilling out at once.

" No no no no no no." I stammered. The shocked intake of breath from our audience was nothing compared to the look on Morelli's face. He had really thought I'd say yes. I seriously didn't want to do this here but he was leaving me no choice. "Why even makes you think I would want this?" I knew it sounded horrible but I couldn't stop myself. "We haven't discussed marriage since the last time Joe. That's been over a year! I've never said anything about quitting my job and kids are so far from my mind I can't even imagine it. Marriage is supposed to be about communication and partnership. You haven't shown me either of those with all your sneaking around. This is the longest stretch of time we've gone without breaking up and its **because** we haven't been forcing anything. And what do you think has suddenly changed? It's like after all this time you don't know me at all."

"Steph, don't do this. He's never going to choose you." He desperately grabbed onto my left arm hard enough to bruise. "I'm your last chance at a family. You need to stop acting so childish and stop chasing after impossibilities." He opened his mouth to say more but I'll never know what it was because at that moment my spidey-sense kicked in and I punched him hard in the nose. I heard a crack as his nose broke and caught a glimpse of Joe curled up on the ground with his hands covering his face as I fled Rossini's and hailed a cab.

I had heard those words before. In the hallway with Ranger. They were in this together.

A/N 2: I actually bought the dress and shoes described a few days ago and they are so fantastic that I had to include them in the story. I've posted links to both on my profile so check em out!!!


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I have a test in one hour and instead of last minute studying I'm writing this story for you guys. Do you feel loved? Well you are!

Steph's POV

I had twenty-eight new messages by the time I got home. Lula, Connie, Mary Lou and Grandma Mazur all called to offer their support.

As Lula put it, " I heard you punched the Italian Stallion at Rossini's. He's fine but it sure does feel good to punch a man in the face. Way to go white girl! Kickin ass and takin names!"

The other twenty four messages were not so supportive. My mom called me at various stages in her tippling. It only took me thirty minutes for my cab to make it from Rossini's to my apartment but in that time poor Helen had gotten sloshed. I was pretty sure I could hear the iron hissing in the background of each message. Tippling and ironing...this was bad. When the messages started, and she was sober they ran along the lines of, "Carolyn Schezkowski's daughter doesn't punch men at nice restaurants." But by the time she had her third or forth sip, she was slurring her speech and warning me not to die alone and barren. Thanks Mom!

As I played the messages I shoved 5 tastykakes into my mouth all at once, removed my dress and shoes and collapsed back onto my bed. Where had everything gone so wrong? I always felt like I compromised **a lot **when it came to Joe. When he pushed, I shoved back. But it seemed even when I fought it, I still ended up taking a step in whichever direction he wanted me to. But it was never enough. It would never be enough. I'm a grown ass woman, in case no one has noticed and I was so sick of my mom and Joe both trying to micromanage my life.

AND RANGER!!!! I fumed. Ranger was going to see my wrath when...if he comes back. I couldn't believe he had actually collaborated with Morelli in what was truly the dumbest plan of all time. And I happen to know a thing or two...or three about dumb plans. I had to wonder, for just a second, if this wasn't somehow a great scheme of Ranger's to get me to leave Morelli once and for all. I always felt that Ranger knew me better than anyone else. Did he go along with all this knowing it would backfire?

Nah.

It felt a little too conspiracy theory for my taste and was probably just wishful thinking on my part. Wishful thinking that Ranger wasn't that big of a dumbass. Which, if my study of men is accurate is probably true.

I had so much emotion rolling around and I only had one body to contain it all. Confusion, anger, sadness, anger, loss and a little bit of anger. They all came streaming out in a flood of tears. I wasn't really crying, despite all evidence to the contrary. What was the word? Catharsis I think. I wasn't crying because I was sad, or that wasn't the whole of it. It really just felt good to let it all out. These were the **last **tears I was ever going to cry over Joe Morelli.

I decided right then I was done compromising. If I'm busy trying to make someone else happy, how am I supposed to do myself any justice? I would worry about me first and cross the kicking-Ranger's-ass bridge when I came to it. It felt really good to compartmentalize. If I only had two things to worry about it should really simplify things. I had never been so happy to cry myself to sleep.

I woke up the next morning at 730 and strapped on my running shoes. If I was going to be solely concerned with bettering myself and kicking ass, I guessed I would have to get in shape. Those tastykakes were sitting heavy in my stomach and it was only a matter of days before they showed up on my waistline. Worrying about being able to button my jeans wasn't on my list of things to be concerned about so I would avoid this hiccup by running. Er...Jogging...maybe a fast walk.

I got down to the parking lot, stretched for my run and took off at a steady pace. I was about two blocks from my apartment when I realized I was being followed. I had been followed a lot and had since changed my strategy from pretending I don't notice to outright confrontation. My new strategy was very effective since it was usually a RangeMan on my tail. Sure enough, when I turned to glare at my stalker, it was a black SUV with tinted windows that glared back. I jogged up to it and knocked on the driver's side window. The window rolled and Lester was brought into view covering his nose.

Funny.

"I'm not going to punch you, Santos." He lowered his hand from his face, looking relieved. "Unless you keep up your shit." I amended. This earned me a laugh and one of the sexiest smiles I've ever seen.

"So I'm assuming Ranger asked you to follow me while he's gone but since I'm not exactly his biggest fan right now and this having me stalked bullshit falls under my list of grievances I suggest you haul ass." He looked abashed for a second until the smile returned full force.

"I'm sorry Beautiful, I really am. But you know I can't do that. As afraid as I am of you, I know you'd only rough me up a little. If something happens to you when I was supposed to be watching, my ass would really be in a sling." I tried to be mad but he did really look sorry.

"All right, but if you're going to follow me, you either drive behind me with the music going really loud or you get out of the car and jog with me." I knew it was a compromise (something I promised myself I wouldn't do) but if it was on my terms it didn't seem that bad.

"I'm nobody's Ipod." He removed the keys from the ignition, pulled open the back door and grabbed a duffel bag from under the seat. He propped it up where he could get to it and removed a pair of basketball shorts, a pair of Nike Shox and a muscle shirt.

Before I even knew what was going on I watched him kick off his shoes and shuck his shirt and pants. He was standing before me in only a pair of red silk boxer briefs. He was almost as hot as Ranger. His skin was a little lighter and seemed to glow in the sunlight. He radiated like a tan god. Where Ranger was bulkier in his muscle, Lester was lean and sinewy. Don't get me wrong, his arms and chest were big enough and he was covered in cut muscle, but his waist was smaller and more pronounced. His torso was a perfect triangle, ending in that "V" that looks so promising on a man. My scan of his body ended abruptly at the red waistline of the boxers worn low on his hips. I would have inspected further but I was scared to.

And I was staring.

Once I admitted as much to myself I could feel the hot wash of a blush come all the way from my toes to the top of my head, surely leaving me looking like a cherry tomato. I moved my eyes back up his body just as slowly as I had on the way down. If I was going to be caught staring I was going to make it worth my embarrassment. My gaze landed on his eyes and though I was still blushing he certainly wasn't. His eyes had gone so dark and the look on his face promised a thousand dirty things. Or that was my own lecherous interpretation of the set of his mouth, the tug of his brow.

He reached for the hand lying rigidly by my side. The other one was clutching my own stomach in an effort not to reach out and touch him. He held my hand in his and gently uncurled my fist. He smoothed his hand over the four red half moons where my nails had bitten into my palm.

My breath hitched as he pulled my hand toward him more and placed it on his hard stomach. His muscles twitched under my touch and my hand acted of his own accord, splaying out against his abs and circling around to his waist, up his back and over his shoulders onto his chest. He was so hard, so smooth. My mouth acted on its own too, pointing upward to him, offering a kiss. Our lips met and I could feel the heat of his body against my own. I was molesting Santos for the second time in as many days. It was so unlike me to react this way. I often had dirty thoughts but very rarely actually went through with them

I gave myself a mental slap. Do you have no self control Stephanie?

In that instant, I had another knee jerk reaction. This one wasn't as much fun as my last couple impulses. I shoved against Lester, breaking the kiss. He landed on the SUV, causing the alarm to sound. I tried to run and Lester grabbed my arm to stop me. We bumped into each other and I tripped, bringing him down on top of me. The alarm was still sounding and now I had the object of my turmoil pressed the length of my body. All sense of self control went out the window. He pressed more deeply against me and I wrapped both arms around him this time. Exploring with my hands everything my eyes had surveyed earlier. He ground against me and I lifted my hips to return the favor. Our lips met again and this time I slipped my tongue into his mouth to smooth along his own. He moved his hands up my body and under my shirt. He had just made his way into my bra when I was startled by the "blip" of a police car.

ShitFuck!

Joe Morelli was parked curbside, apparently to look into the car alarm. It could easily have been a public indecency complaint though. He had a bandage on his face that looked like it was hiding a small melon. Oops! He walked halfway to us, recognized me and clenched his jaw. He looked like he was about to lose it for a second before he visibly calmed himself. I thought about pushing Lester off of me to make things look less bad but that would be me moving when Joe pushed. I didn't owe Joe Morelli shit. I turned away from him and as much to Lester's surprise as Joe's, continued where I left off with Lester. I didn't hear him walk away and I didn't care.

The only thing I heard was the car alarm and the sound of my own small victory. Not only had I been able to piss off Joe by a second and exceedingly more thorough molestation of Lester but I imagined myself pissing Ranger off as well. Two birds with one stone, I figured.

One very hard, very sexy stone.

A/N 2:Still a Babe HEA, fear not! I hope we're all open minded enough to enjoy some Santos smut in the mean time!!


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Since no one seemed too put off by it, I decided to continue the Lester smut a little more

Steph's POV

"What the fuck do you two think you're doing?" I didn't have to look to know that Tank had somehow come to stand over us without alerting me or Lester.

In answer to his question, were he wanting a literal response, I _thought_ I was about to come and I knew for a fact that's what Lester was thinking too.

After Joe left, Lester and I picked up right where we had left off. We were like mindless horndog teenagers. He had one hand under my head, keeping it off the sidewalk. His other hand was massaging my breast. He rolled my nipple between his fingers as he kneaded my soft flesh. What was going on lower was the real excitement, though.

Lester, who was still in only his little red jockeys, was rocking his hips against mine, his ass flexing and unflexing in that same fucking sexy way it had at RangeMan. Once again, I had my hands digging into his delicious asset. Unlike the last time, however, I gave myself over to my lust instead of running from it.

The part of him that was currently driving me wild was hard as a rock and, from the feel of it, a force to be reckoned with. He rubbed against my clit with every thrust of his hips and my eyes fluttered shut when he growled, "Shit, Beautiful, if we keep this up I'm going to come like a sixteen year old virgin." I laughed and moaned at the same time and the result was a throaty sound that sounded delicious even to my own ears.

"I know exactly what you mean." I breathed between moans.

I knew what we were doing was ridiculous. We were on the sidewalk for fuck's sake! But I was _so close._ I could feel the building pressure inside me and I could feel the hot wetness between my thighs. I lifted my hips to meet him each time he rocked against me. I moved my hand up his back, with was slick with sweat. He twined his fingers into my ponytail, baring my neck further to him. He bent his head down to flick his tongue over my throat and nip lightly over my collar bone. When he bit down on that sensitive skin I shuddered against him, mini orgasms flooding my body. I could feel his body start to tremble too, as he held himself back, and I knew he was just as near the edge as I was.

"I want to be inside you so badly." He growled. "I want to bury myself in you and fuck you senseless." At this he made a circular motion with his pelvis that sent an even deeper shudder through me. I couldn't hold on any longer. Just a few more strokes and I was a goner for sure.

I was about to burst out of my skin when I heard that voice. I'd always been pretty fond of Tank, but after this incident, I thought I'd either kill Tank or die of embarrassment myself. Either way, it was clear this was going to go unfinished. Lester had stopped his movements and gently lowered my head to the sidewalk.

He picked himself up onto his hands and knees, resting his head between my breasts, his hands on either side of my waist, as we both caught our breath. When we were both somewhat back to normal, Lester rocked back to sit on his haunches. I could see a large wet spot on the red silk but his erection still stood at attention; clear evidence he was just as frustrated as I was. I picked myself up on my elbows and finally looked up at Tank.

"What the hell is your problem?" I sort of felt like Tank was acting in Ranger's stead. I was pretty pissed off that Tank objected at all. Sure, we could have picked a better venue, but I had a feeling the matter of a public ordinance against lewd conduct wasn't the issue here. Not only did Ranger not have a claim on me under normal circumstances, but he had made it abundantly clear before he left that he was abdicating any claim he would have had.

If he didn't want me, his wingman had no right to throw off someone who **did**. Tank still hadn't told me what the hell his problem was so I sat up fully and tried to get up on my legs. They were still pretty shaky and I steadied myself on Lester's shoulder's on my way up.

I stood eye to eye...er...eye to stomach with Tank and gave him my best "piss off" look. I was still plenty mad at Ranger and since Tank was playing Skipper to Ranger's Gilligan, he had incurred my wrath by default.

I threw my hands at him, pushing him off the sidewalk. He looked a little startled, but not so much as when I started my tongue lashing.

"Who the FUCK are you to ask me..us what _we're_ thinking. What the fuck were _**you**_ thinking? I thought you were smart, or smarter than _him_ at the very least. I always felt you got me better than anyone else, but you're just like him, aren't you?" Tank looked baffled, but I didn't see him anyway, not really. I saw Ranger standing there with a confused look on his face. "I'm assuming he came to you with the idea. You should have told me so I could handle things. But instead of talking to me first, you two put your dickheads together and cooked up the most dumbass plan in history. I trusted you! I thought you understood me!" I was shrieking and banging my fists against his chest in fury but I was slowly losing steam. "Joe's always treated me like a possession, but you never did." I felt the first hot tear flow down my face and it pissed me off even more. "What did he say to you to make you act like I was just a thing to get passed along? Why did you give up so easily?" The last was a plea.

I collapsed onto the curb, my feet resting in the gutter. I covered my face with my hands and let my tears stream out. When I was dried up, with nothing left, I lifted my head and looked down to see that the gutter had a thin layer of precipitation lying stagnant in it. Had I cried that much or was that already there? I felt a little disappointed that I had so quickly broken my promise to myself.

Wait a minute, I had actually promised no more tears over Joe Morelli. These were tears over Ranger.

That was okay.

This time.

Second resolution: No more tears over Ricardo Carlos Manoso. Lester came over to sit next to me, still barefoot and in only his underwear. He put his left arm over my shoulder and used his right hand to tilt me toward him and gather me into his chest. I was done crying but damn it felt good to be comforted.

"Well...uh...I originally came because I saw the car alarm on the monitor so..." Tank, who still stood stock still in the street, sounded painfully uncomfortable. Lester lifted his right hand to give Tank a "shoo" gesture. Tank didn't need to be told twice. He hauled ass to the SUV he had left idling across the street without looking back.

We sat like that for a while, Lester holding me on the curb. I felt like I was coming off a rollercoaster.

I was an emotional wreck but today felt like a turning point. I finally knew exactly what I wanted to say to Ranger. Despite the fact he hadn't treated me as such, we both _**were **_adults and if and when he finally came back I knew I would be able to talk to him rationally. My wrath was sated...partially. I might lay into Ranger a little, but I would give him all the respect I deserved but didn't receive from him.

I felt better than I had in weeks. I finally wiped my face, and looked up to see Lester looking down at me with such great concern in his eyes. "This has been some morning, huh?" I let out a laugh I was surprised I had in me. I gave him a genuine smile, one he had earned big time.

When he smiled back at me, it instantly made me feel better. He had a great smile. "Beautiful, Bombshell duty is always exciting, but even when you're blowing up cars it usually isn't _this_ exciting." He motioned to the stain on his jockeys.

I blushed hot and red. Time for a smooth subject change. "You ready to run?" Smooth, huh?

"Are you sure you don't just want to go home? We could watch a movie or eat some honeybuns." I knew it was a testament to just how severe my mood swings had been and how bad off I looked that he had the concerned look back on his face so soon (and was offering to eat sweets!) .

The thought of stuffing my face cheered me but I sighed and said, "No. As good as honeybuns sound and mmmmm...they do sound good, if I go home now I'm afraid I might drop back down to where I was. I'm done crying over both of them and I just need to focus on making _me_ feel good. Since Tank took away option A of feeling good, I guess we'll go with option B."

Lester got to his feet and offered me two hands up. We made our way back to the SUV and he pulled on the clothes and shoes he set aside. He turned to shut the door and bent over to tie his shoe lace. I found myself once again distracted by his assets and when he came up and turned to me, he caught me staring again. The smile was back. "You know, Beautiful, option A is guaranteed to make you feel good, fantastic even. And option A is always on the table."

Ohmygod...option A on the table...on the couch...on the bed...on the _**anywhere**_ sounded good to me. And because it sounded so damned good, I started off on a five mile run that would render me useless for option A.

For a while, at least.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Sorry for the long break between updates! I'm taking creative writing and I procrastinated on writing a fiction short story till the last minute. The irony is that while I put off writing the fiction for my class, I've been writing regularly on my fanfictions. Priorities, priorities…

Steph's POV

I lay hot and sweaty on the floor next to a hot and sweaty Lester. We hadn't even made it to the couch. My chest was heaving, trying to regain my breath though his had already returned to normal.

Damn his RangeMan endurance!

I had no idea one man could wear me out so completely. He had pushed my body beyond anything I thought I was capable of. My legs felt like jelly and my skin was flushed. I watched him jump up to his feet like he wasn't tired at all. He made me sick. We had run farther than my intended personal record of five miles. We ran eight miles, including one hill. He kept lying to me, "Just a few more steps, Steph!"

He is a twisted bastard.

Leaning over with his hands on his knees, he looked like he wanted to laugh at me still lying on the floor. I wished he would. Give me a reason to kick his legs out from under him for making me run so far. "You all right Beautiful? You look like you might pass out." I tried frowning at him but my muscles just wouldn't work. He lowered his hand down to me and I shook my head at him.

"Fine." I gasped. "Fine here."

He dared to laugh and I threw my leg out to kick him in the ankles and bring him down on his ass.

In theory.

What really happened was my face screwed up tight in concentration and effort. My feet twitched a little and lie still again.

"We need to get to work, Beautiful. Let's get you in the shower." I should have been scared of showering with Lester. Despite our outdoor encounter, he had never seen me naked, and he in his little red underwear was as close as I'd come to seeing the whole Santos package. I wasn't scared though, because I actually might need a little help showering at this point, and I definitely didn't have enough energy for shower sex.

He picked me up off the floor bride-style and carried me into the bathroom. He propped me up against one of the walls long enough to shed his clothing and the sight of him standing in front of me in all his naked glory was enough to buckle my knees. I started sliding down the wall right before he caught me.

My breath caught when I felt him pressing against me. He leaned me on the wall again, using his hips…his naked hips to pin me up. He placed his hands on my hips and ran them up my body, dragging my shirt up with them. He threw it to the floor and eyed my sports bra. He smoothed his hands on my rib cage just under my breasts and drew circles with his thumbs under the seam of my bra. I found the energy to lift my arms over my head for him and as he pulled the bra off to expose my breasts he ran his hands up my arms. He threw the bra to the ground with my shirt but kept his hand locked with mine over my head. His chest brushed against mine and I wondered if he could feel my heart pounding, like it was trying to break out. He just looked at me for a long moment before brushing his lips against mine in a whisper of a kiss. He ran his face along my throat , laying more feather-light kisses against my sensitive skin. He ran his hands back down my arms to cup my breasts in his hands. I started to lower my arms and he shook his head at me. I raised them back over my head. He continued his light kisses and hooked his thumbs in the waistband of my running shorts. He lowered them to the ground and I stepped out of them, leaving me in just my panties with my arms over my head. he stepped back and moved his eyes over my naked body.

"Fuck, Stephanie, you're so beautiful." I saw his impressive length twitch in approval. He stepped between my legs again and ripped my panties off me as he lowered his mouth to mine and flicked his tongue over my lips. The kiss became heated as he walked us into the shower. He adjusted the water temperature until it was steaming but not quite scalding hot. It was perfect. My legs were still weak so Lester continued to hold me up as he grabbed my loofah and shower gel. He squeezed out some of the Vanilla Amber scented gel onto the sponge and moved it over my collar bone and down my arm. He ran it down my side and over each breast, adjusting me in his arms as he switched from one side to the other. As he adjusted, his dick brushed against me in just the right way to elicit a moan.

He reached behind me to wash my back and buttocks. He smoothed the body wash over my stomach and down to my doodah. He was so careful and gentle of me and it felt so good to have someone caring for me this way. We moved further under the spray to get our hair wet and I squeezed some shampoo in my hair, then his, as he bent down to wash each of my legs. He started at my feet, kissing the backs of my knees as he washed. He moved up, the sponge following the trail of his mouth. I rinsed my hair and applied conditioner while he washed my calves, massaging my tired muscles, all the while kissing and lightly nipping my thighs. I bent back under the stream to rinse the conditioner out and he started working on washing my thighs. His hands massaged from the outside, in, and with my head back and my eyes shut I felt his hot mouth close over me. I threw out my arms to brace myself against the walls of the shower and Lester moved his hands from thighs to hips to steady me. I looked down at him to see him looking back at me, the gleam in his eyes mischievous, wicked and lustful. He saw that I was steady and lifted my left leg onto his shoulder to give him better access. He made long strokes with his tongue, stopping just short of my clit. After this morning I just didn't think I could take any more teasing and my hips bucked against his mouth and he nipped at that most sensitive spot. He delved into me with his tongue and I cried out. It echoed in the shower so it sounded like my moan was loud and continuous. "You taste so good." He growled out. His voice vibrated against my skin, making me shiver.

He sucked on my pleasure center, sending wild shocks from my body outward. I moved one of my hands from the wall to his hair, running my fingers through it as he gave me this great pleasure I had received only from _him. _Morelli had tried this before several times and **very** unsuccessfully. Only Ranger had ever made me feel like this before. It wasn't going to take me long to reach my climax. It had been so long since I'd been with anyone and this morning almost sent me over the edge. I was brought back to that cliff, about to spill over and though Lester was the one making me feel so fucking good, I couldn't help think of Ranger and wish it were him. I was still mad, pissed, irate at him but my lust felt a misguided and misdirected. I was brought back to the present by two fingers entering me and flicking against my g-spot. Lester continued to lick and suck and drive me absolutely wild. I screamed out his name as the orgasm crashed into me like a tidal wave, sending my hips bucking and my legs shaking again. Lester lowered my foot to the floor of the shower and stood.

The mind blowing orgasm had given me a second wind and I moved to kiss Lester and tell him I was ready for him to take me. But what I saw first was that any visible sign of excitement on his part was diminished. I drew my gaze up to his face and saw that he looked disappointed and...hurt? What the hell happened?

He looked down at my shaky legs and picked me up again. He carried me to my bedroom and set me down on top of the covers. He left me and headed back to the bathroom.

I sat on my bed, in the dark, alone. This was certainly not how I saw my day going. Just what had changed in that moment? I guessed he was having second thoughts. Maybe he thought Ranger would be pissed if he went through with it. Maybe he was planning to not do it all along and that was...what?...a pity orgasm? I covered up with the blankets, suddenly feeling dirty.

Lester stepped back into my bedroom and sat down on the bed next to me. "It's still early Stephanie. I know you're tired though, so why don't you take a short nap, and I'll be back at three o'clock to chase skips with you."

Obviously he wasn't going to bring up what just happened between us, so for once I decided to be direct.

"We're not having sex, are we?"

He shook his head, still looking disappointed. He kissed me on the cheek, stood up and moved to the door. But I wasn't finished. For once, I wish I could just shut my mouth. Sometimes it really is better NOT to know. Ignorance is bliss and whatnot.

"Why not?" I tried not to sound frustrated and failed miserably.

"When I brought you screaming in the shower?" He was asking if I remembered. Of course I did! It was only a minute ago. I nodded to let him know I was following. "You screamed, 'Ranger!'" He shook his head in disbelief and walked out of my bedroom.

Well shit.

A/N dos: I don't mean any harm to Lester. Obviously I'm pretty fond of him but this is a Babe HEA...Lester will probably meet someone but Steph just isn't the girl for him


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I don't own Stephanie Plum, Lester Santos, Joe Morelli, or Ranger. I own a dog named Angelo who is pretty fantastic but doesn't look half as good as Ranger does in cargo pants.

A/N: School has been CRAZY! Please forgive the hiatus. I'm going to try and update Fired by Batman tomorrow before I go out of town for the weekend. Thanks for being so patient and sticking with me. Y'all are the best.

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All I can say is thank God I got dressed before I went to sleep, because there was a man in bed with me when I woke up from my nap.

The ratio of how many times I wake up with a man in my bed to how many times I actually get laid is shockingly pathetic. I rubbed the last of the sleep from my eyes and focused on Lester reading...Oh My God...he was reading one of my romance novels!! I craned my neck to see which one and caught a glimpse of a super tan Fabio lookalike, shirtless, long brown hair blowing in the wind.

Lester glanced over at me with a smirk and turned his eyes back to the book. He cleared his throat dramatically. "Take me!" He cried in a hideous falsetto, "Take me you savage warrior! I care not that we come from rival villages or that your skin is the most sinful chocolate against the pale alabaster of my own. Slay me with your engorged love sword! Let us join as..." He didn't get to finish since I tackled him, wrenching the book from his grasp. As if I wasn't sufficiently mortified for one day.

I threw the book into my open closet and tried to right myself. I was sprawled across Lester with my legs tangled in the sheets. I tried getting myself up in the most dignified way possible but my legs were wrapped in the blanket like a mermaid fin. I thrashed and flopped around until Lester was tangled in with me. I tried to push against him for leverage, placing my hands on his chest and using my lower body to press against the bed on my way up. Unfortunately, our lower bodies were pressed together and I actually rubbed against him in just the right...er...wrong way. Our groans escaped in sync. I felt the blush crawl up my cheeks and looked up into his eyes. I couldn't believe I messed up so badly when my desire for this man was so strong.

Even after the events of earlier that morning I wanted him. I offered my lips to him for a kiss and saw him move in too. I closed my eyes and closed the distance. Except...I wasn't kissing his lips. I opened my eyes to see his palm in my face.

Ugh. And the embarrassment just keeps piling up.

He lowered his hand and calmly proceeded to get us untangled. I moved away from him to sit on the edge of the bed. He sat beside me and threw an arm around my shoulder.

"As much as I want to try again, Steph. And believe me, I do. I want to...slay you with my engorged love sword...but I won't make the same mistake twice." I winced and felt a hot blush fill my face. Not that sleeping together was the best idea of all time, but labeling it a mistake before it even happened is a bit harsh. He let out a low laugh. "I've always wondered what it would be like to be with you,Steph, and I never thought I'd get a chance. Here's my chance and _I'm_ turning _you_ down?!" He laughed again, shaking his head. "Never thought I'd see the day."

"What do you mean?"

"We met about a year ago, and at first I just thought you were beautiful, gorgeous. And no offense, but I didn't really see what all the fuss was about. I'd known Ranger for years and I'd never seen him so struck by a woman...so possessive of one. But after getting to know you, I got it. You're so spontaneous and passionate. If I were him, I'd be possessive too. What I don't understand is why he never acted on it. If I had to guess, I'd say he was trying to protect you. His life can be a little scary. And these government missions he's obligated to are truly life or death scenarios. He's either afraid that he'd put you in the line of fire or that he'd spend so much time trying to make sure you're safe he'd lose focus and put you both in danger." I tried to put in my two cents and got shushed. "Just let me finish. I think I know why he acts the way he does, but if I were him I would have been too selfish to just stand back and watch you with another man. I know that somehow you've gotten it into your head that Ranger doesn't want you. But I've seen the way he looks at you and I know that he'll _always_ want you." I opened my mouth to argue again but he just continued on. "More importantly, I've seen the way you look at him. I've always wondered what it would be like to have you looking at me that way and today you came so damned close. There was something missing but I was willing to take whatever I could get. Ranger and I are very alike in that aspect. We're both opportunists. I should have known better than to push you into something you aren't ready for. I should have known better than to put myself on the line like that but life's only as good as the risks you take." He gave me a wry smile.

I could feel the tears building in my eyes again and remembered my promise to myself about no more tears. I took in a deep breath, "That's very sweet of you to say. And I'm so sorry about earlier. You deserve much better than the way I treated you. But what you don't know is that I didn't just come up with the idea that he didn't want me out of no where. He told me."

"Beautiful, you must have misunderstood."

I shook my head violently. "No. There was no misunderstanding," I assured him. "He told me that he considers me a good 'friend'. I think he feels responsible for leading me on, but that's it. He told me to 'stop chasing impossibilities'. He passed me off to Morelli like I was a toy he had tired of. He went behind my back and worked with Morelli to plan my life for me. Not because he cares so much. Because he feels sorry for me. I guess he thought it would clear his conscience, if when he tossed me aside, I had something cushy to land on." I heard the bitter tone of my voice, took another deep breath and turned it down a notch or two. "I wasn't being fair to you when I initiated things today. I'm clearly not over everything yet. But don't back off because you think you're stepping on Ranger's toes. Trust me, us being together wouldn't hurt him one bit. I'll understand if you want to request a different assignment and have someone else do the Bombshell Babysitting but I really hope this doesn't hurt our friendship. Because you are a good friend. You always have been."

He wrapped his other arm around me to gather me in a hug. "Of course I'm not leaving you, Beautiful. Half of me hopes one of us messes up again, even if it results in a little hurt pride. Just one kiss from you is worth a dented ego."

I tilted my face up toward him and laid a light kiss on his lips. "Thank you."

"No worries." He gave my hair a little tussle and jumped up from the bed. "Let's go catch some skips, Bombshell. Just try not to blow up this car. It has heated seats and a killer sound system."

I laughed, but still sent him a death glare out of principle. "I'll try not to."

I grabbed my gun from the cookie jar on the way down to the parking lot. Lester looked a little surprised I was grabbing it at all and I just shrugged. This was the new me we were talking about here. This was Badass Business Stephanie. Not to be mistaken with Cruelly Set Up Stephanie of just a day ago.

We climbed into the RangeMan SUV where Lester's "killer sound system" blasted at me as soon as we got in. I immediately recognized Miley Cyrus singing "Party in the USA". I whipped my head around to look at Lester who was frantically pushing buttons trying to change the station.

Wait a second, the LED light up screen read CD, not FM. I clicked the eject button and out popped _The Time of Our Lives_.

"Busted." I did that annoying little sing-song thing to really drive home the guilt. "But, I won't tell as long as you never mention that book the rest of your long life."

"Agreed." And he greedily snatched the CD from my hand, tucking it into the visor overhead.

We drove to the bonds office listening to _Disturbed's Indestructible_, with the windows down, just so everyone within earshot would know we weren't sweet, happy, Miley Cyrus fans, but certified BadAsses.

The SUV rolled up to the curb behind Joyce Berndhart's vehicle. Just the bitch I didn't want to see today. Just the bitch I didn't want to see EVER. I reached into my bag and grabbed my stunner. I placed it in my back pocket...just in case. It wouldn't be the first time I got the urge to stun Joyce. I just wanted to be prepared...for once.

Lester flung open the door to the bonds office and held it open for me. Connie was behind her desk and Lula was chomping down a burrito by the file cabinet when we came in. Joyce turned her overly made up face toward me. Her fire engine red hair was piled on top of her head in frizzy curls. She was clad in her full leather catwoman suit. It was so low cut I could almost see her belly button, and the sides of the legs and arms were shredded to show the maximum amount of skin possible in a full jumpsuit. She pursed her glossy red lips as she scanned me head to toe, then moved her attention to Lester. She took _way _too much time sizing up Lester, obviously stopping at his crotch to lick her lips.

Ick!

Being the smart boy he is, Lester came in to put his hand on the small of my back in an intimate way that screamed "MINE"...even if I wasn't.

She trailed her eyes back to me, narrowed them, and spat out, "I heard you were already screwing someone new. And outside, like an animal no less."

I was panic stricken to think so many people knew already. I guessed the only reason my phone wasn't ringing off the hook was that I unplugged it yesterday after I received all those unwanted messages from my mother admonishing me for punching Joe. I hid my panic away for later, putting on my best icy face. "Does that make me more appealing? I know how you like your animals." Lula chuckled into her burrito wrapper.

Joyce let out a sort of growl to show her disapproval. Her eyes lit up with a kind of evil only she could achieve, "So, this is the next little piece of man candy you're going to throw my way when you're done with him?" She nodded toward Lester, the man candy. "I look forward to it. Morelli was fantastic last night, by the way."

I flung myself in the air as I reached for my stunner. I felt like Wonder Woman as soared toward her,knocking her to the ground. She clawed at me with long red acrylic nails. I pulled her hair with one hand and set my stunner between her huge fake breasts. She had a second to look down at my hand before I pushed the button. She shook for a second and was still. I shot up when I heard a funny hissing sound. I walked over Joyce's limp body to stand beside and a little behind Lester. I threw the stunner toward the rear exit, thinking it was malfunctioning. Instead of going away though, the hissing grew into a kind of gargle. I realized the sound was coming from below me, not the other side of the room. I looked down to see Joyce's breasts tremble and dance. The gurgle became rumble, and finally a pop as the gargantuan knockers collapsed in on themselves. She went from Double D's to B's in 3.5.

I knew one of us should call an ambulance, or at least a doctor, but it's damned hard to call anyone when you're laughing so hard.

.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

A/N two: Okay, so I'm not a medical expert and I'm sure what I described is completely impossible, but I love to see Joyce off her slutty high horse.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N : A HUGE thanks to IntheWindBabe for finding my chapter for me. It took me long long time to put it up but here is the lost ch. 10. Real Updates soon!

"You betta get yo white girl ass outta here before she wakes up."

I could see Lula's point. I definitely did not want to be around when Joyce discovers her…er…deflation.

I tried not to think too hard about it, though, because

#1: It grossed me out

and

#2: If I played it back in my mind, it just set off another ridiculous laughing fit. And I didn't have another twenty minutes to laugh my ass off.

I either had to start building an alibi or get the hell out. I leaned down to examine the crash site. Joyce's breasts had deflated even further from their formerly gargantuan status. I thought the damage was done when they reached the size of my own boobs. They continued to diminish, however, and were now no bigger than the average mosquito bite. My mind started to wander down the path of speculating where the hell all the boob went before I reminded myself of numbers one and two. Both still applied to this situation.

What I did notice upon closer examination was that there was no evidence of a stun gun being used at all. I truly could just walk away, and it would be her word against mine. It might even be a good idea to call the paramedics and police ourselves to make us seem less guilty. I kept thinking in terms of "us" because I just didn't want all of the credit on this one. You know what they say about Hell hath no fury like a woman stunned….or something like that. Well, I really didn't want all of that fury put on me.

"Connie, do you mind calling 911 and getting the ambulance working on this?" She lifted the phone to dial. It occurred to me that it might help to have someone on our side at this point. "Ask if Gazarra is on duty. It might be good to have a friend working this one."

Vinnie picked this moment to poke his greasy head out of his office. He never looks more like a weasel than when he does that sneaking-around-the-corner thing. "Who the hell is bringing the police into my…" But he never finished his sentence because he caught sight of Joyce lying on the ground, spread eagle. He rushed over to her like he cared or something. And when he looked down at her, there was something very close to grief in his eyes. I knew that he and Joyce did the nasty (more like the disgusting), but I had no idea he cared so much. Hell, I had no idea he had the ability to care so much.

"Her breasts! Her beautiful breasts!" He weeped. "We'll never ply Balloon Boy again."

So much for caring.

"Listen, Vinnie. I would appreciate if you corroborated the story that Joyce just fainted, and her boobs disappeared on their own. You know…just…poof." I gave him my best pleading face.

"Get that dumbfucking look off your face. You look like an old walrus." I traded my pleading face for a death glare. "That's better," he said. "And I don't give a flying fuck how the hell this happened. The damage is done, and a great thing has been lost today…two great things…and now that she doesn't have them, I have no use for her. Get the cops out of here as fast as possible."

I had a moment to feel a small grain of pity for Joyce. So much of her value resided in those Ta-Tas. I had taken away her gift to society…as it were. That grain dissolved, however, when I reminded myself that she not only played home wrecker in my marriage (for which I was considerably better off), but she also slept with Morelli before his swollen nose even had time to heal from my punch. I could feel my body start to jerk with my anger. She was such a horrible slut, and I wanted to do so much worse than destroy her boob job. Lester brought me out of my reverie by picking me up under my armpits and hefting me to the other side of the room. I kicked my legs and flailed about in an effort to free myself. Of all the highhanded things!

I turned on him when he calmly set me down. "What the hell was that for?!"

"You were about to kick Joyce…again. Did you not realize you did it a first time?"

I really hadn't. But it made sense considering where my train of thought was going. "No. But the bitch deserves it."

He nodded emphatically. "And so much more, Beautiful, but you don't want any evidence of your revenge for her to show to the police. At the moment, there is no physical sign of what caused her collapse. But if you start kicking her and leave her all bruised up, she's going to have Exhibit A to use when or if she files assault charges. And if what I've heard about her is true, she's going to do just that. Now, if you want a quieter form of punishment that no one will find out about, I can pull a few strings and…"

I slumped my shoulders and shook my head. It sounded so sweet, but I couldn't have Lester getting into trouble for me. I knew that Ranger had killed to protect me once, and though necessary, it didn't sit well in my stomach. Besides, Joyce really had received a pretty fitting punishment. If Vinnie's reaction at all represented how the greater population of lecherous scumbags would react to Joyce's minimization, she would be one miserable slut.

"I appreciate that, Lester. I really do. But I think our time would be better spent catching a skip or two." I was going to move on and set my sights on bigger, better things. Joyce's boobs collapsing was more than I could ever have hoped for, and I would just have to be content with that.

Lester brightened at the thought of getting to kick some FTA ass. I could see the gleam in his eyes that often preceded him throwing someone against a wall. "That's the spirit."

"What do you have for me, Connie?"

Connie had just gotten off the phone with the police dispatch and started shifting though some files.

"I have a couple of low bond ones for you and something a little more lucrative and a lot scarier if you're interested."

I looked over at Lester. If ever I was going to go after the something scarier, now that I have a personal bodyguard would be a fine time to do it. I grabbed the files from Connie and peeked at the scary one.

Holyyyy Shiiiit.

This guy was seriously demented. He hacked his own mother to pieces and listed various body parts on Craig's List for purchase. The sickest part, though, was that he actually had several buyers lined up before the police got wind of it and arrested him. He had been released on a 100,000 dollar bail and sent back into society to mingle with the rest of us. How the hell do these crazies even make bail?

It really would be easier to handle this with Lester around, but with everything else going on in my life, I didn't need another thing to add to the shit pile.

"I think I'll pass on the crazy today." I handed the file back to Connie, who took it back with a shrug as if to say, _Maybe later_.

More like maybe **never**. I did not want to end up on Craig's List. Any part of me.

I sifted through the low bond files, and one jumped out at me. Jimmy Wizneski sounded so familiar. I racked my brain trying to place him. Finally, after much grinding of gears, I remembered that Jimmy had been in school with Valerie. If my memory served (though it often didn't), he had a crush on her at the time. It listed his address in the Burg pretty close to my parents' place. I scanned down the file to see what he was wanted for. After reading the crazy file, I was more than ready to tackle this one. Jimmy was arrested for trying to steal a few polo shirts from Dillard's. I guess that makes him a white collar criminal.

Ugh. I mentally groaned at my own bad joke.

I handed the rest of the files to Connie, putting Jimmy's in my shoulder bag, and motioned for Lester to follow me out.

"Connie, Lula, do you mind handling to police and paramedics. I was thinking I might slip out so when she tries to blame me, you can say I was never here. Maybe we could just go with the story that she fainted for no reason, and the breasts imploded on their own." Connie and Lula nodded their agreement.

Thank god the stunner didn't leave marks. I reached into my bag to make sure the stunner was off and realized it was still across the room where I had thrown it. I jogged over, gracefully leaping over Joyce's still form, grabbed the stun gun, and ran back to Lester. I noticed Lester staring at my breasts bouncing as I ran. A tent was being pitched as he watched with great interest, causing a blush to crawl up my cheeks. When I looked over at Connie and Lula, who still hadn't answered my questions, it was obvious they had noticed the exchange. I blushed harder.

"So, we'll see you later. Thanks for the help, girls!" I shooed Lester out of the building, and we headed to the address listed on Jimmy's file. We passed the ambulance and police car on their way to the bonds office, and I sunk low in my seat as they sirened past.

"It'll be okay, Beautiful." He smiled at me, making me wonder what I had done to deserve a friend like Lester. He may not be the one for me, or I for him, but…I let my mind wander back to the morning. It seemed so long ago, but I could still feel his hands on me. I could still feel the hot spray of the shower raining down on his perfect naked body.

"What are you thinking about, Steph?"

"Wh-wh-why?" I stammered. I knew I sounded incredibly guilty.

"You moaned." He let out a low chuckle.

"Did not." And now I sounded like a four year old. Still better than sounding guilty, I thought as I crossed my arms over my chest petulantly.

The SUV rolled to a stop before we could continue our dignified debate. We walked up to the door, and Lester rapped hard on it a few times. Jimmy answered the door wearing khakis and a polo. I was betting this one fell off the truck like the others.

"Mr Wizneski, my name is Stephanie Plum. This is my associate, Mr. Santos. You failed to appear in court and are in violation of your bail agreement. We just need you to come down to the police station with us and reschedule…please." It never hurts to be polite.

Jimmy got this weird look on his face as I introduced myself. "I remember you from high school, Stephanie. The weirdest coincidence, though, because…"

He was cut off by a shrieking from inside the house. "STEPHANIE MICHELLE PLUM, you do not ever answer your phone, and now I hear that you're having sex in public with come strange man!" My mother boomed at me as she made her way from Jimmy's living room to his front door. What in the hell was my mother doing at Jimmy Wizneski's house?

She glared at me and then at Lester. "Well? Is this the man you've been canoodling with on the streets? I've gotten fifty calls this morning alone, and it's breaking my heart. Are you at least in a relationship, or is this some sort of new job?"

I was stunned silent.

"Stephanie, I know Joseph and you aren't together, though I don't know why. But I have to know. Are you together, or aren't you?"

No, we're not together. It was like a one time thing that didn't even end up being a thing because I ruined it with my big mouth. I thought.

What I said was, "Yes. Yes, we're together." I grabbed a shocked looking Lester around the waist and pulled him closer to me.

Holy shit! What have I done?


End file.
